my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize
