my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
We are going out Saturday. Oh and we might also be jousting on bikes.
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
Just woke up in my fuck buddies bed with, from the looks of her ass and side boob, a girl that is not my fuck buddy. This should be interesting
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
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