I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
Is it wrong that im more embaressed about the karoke than the toplessness?
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
Randomize
