i was rollin on her like bob the builder
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Randomize
