Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
Randomize