i don't know her name but she is cooking me brkfst then helpin me find my car.
she hot?
i don't wanna talk about it
So my shaver died while I was trimming...ya know. And now it is half way done. I don't think there's currently any aesthetic in keeping it this way...
Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
Im experiencing the awkward moment after realizing two of my straight female friends have had sex with each other
Randomize
