i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
The feeling are messing with the penis
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
Randomize
