i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
when it says do not use on the face or genital areas, it MEANS do not use on the face or genital areas.
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
Randomize
