in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
I wouldn't fuck her. Looks like her vagina smells like a seaside orgy.
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
Randomize
