the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
I cant believe they held hands while getting simultaneous bjs
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
Bought asot tix too. After Saturday I'm gonna be reborn like Jesus and no drugs until edc
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
Randomize
