Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
judging by the cake all over the hall, my neighbors had a pretty successful thursday too.
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
Lets both be adults and never talk about last night again.
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
Randomize
