The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
Randomize
