He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
Pre-St Patricks Day Log: Threw up across a 14ft radius, this is why the irish dont drink tequila
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
Randomize
