I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
I have only been here for a week and might contributed to a dumpster fire on accident.
Randomize
