1. Mark my dj buddy and I spent $1000 on bottles last night
2. We were casually offered narcotics while walking down the street
3. I will still be awake when you start school tmw, cause there's no last call
So if any tells you miami is the same as the rest of america, there are just lying to you
I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Randomize
