after everytime she pucked, she insisted on us all giving her high fives
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
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