Just checked, might have creepy crawlies. What does chlamydia feel like? Not near wireless to consult webMD.
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Randomize
