My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
legit question. can i put a condom down our garbage disposal? my rents are coming over in 20
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
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