mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
its not that he announces that he can deep throat a banana its the fact he knows he can and it makes me wonder how he found out
This escort grabbed my boyfriends ass and it became clear, he fucked pretty much anything he could find prior to dating me.
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
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