just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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