If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
And it's settled. 10 months is the appropriate amount of time before having the dick pic discussion.
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
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