I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
you should be careful. everyone knows your chances of pregnancy increase by 100 percent when youre the daughter of a religious figure
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
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