i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
All I know is that we apparently made a drink we named The Single Girl which is rum, vodka, grain alcohol, and sprite and rolled around in the backyard.
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
I literally put my pussy on his sideburns, it was awkward
There's a lil minaj in everyone
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
Randomize
