dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
Indoor beer darts at Rafs just turned into a trust exercise of putting your hand on the wall and closing your eyes while the other throws.. Almost gave Cale a Tracheotomy
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
welp,tonight ive reached new levels. by new levels I mean,i showed some guys my boobs for water. on your tab.. the most pointless thing ive ever done. either we should hang out way more,or never again.
Randomize
