grinding to god bless the USA? really?
shut up
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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