i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
He says he won't get serious until he screws an Asian and a virgin. I should just place an ad on Craig's List
Wanted: female 18-24 of Asian or partial Asian descent to fuck my ginger boyfriend. Must be willing and able to fake virginity. No emotional connection needed, just sex, just once. Further contact post sex not needed (or particularly desired)
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
oh you can't commit, don't have any real ambitions, and love to drink PBR? well.... sign me up!
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
