You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
Everyone says I win the strip club
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
Randomize
