from now on my penis is your penis
So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Randomize
