Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
it's kind of nice to have a picture of me making out with someone and actually know who it is for once
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
I don't remember much but I know I looked hot.
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
you are the only girl i know that would bring a plate of cookies to a hook up. but they were awesome. thanks. next time cupcakes?
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
Randomize
