Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
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