My Higher Power is John Stamos
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
Randomize
