If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
I'll name the documentary, "The Adventures of Megan's Vagina"
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
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