My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
Randomize
