i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
Why would you hook up with someone whos known for peeibg in someones mouth
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
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