it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
my goal for the rest of college is to escape STD free. fuck getting a job. this is more important.
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
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