She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
Also, do you think you think his dick is perfect bc you loved him? Or is it actually perfect?
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
I take to many stalker pics of him. If he ever looks through my phone he'll never give me sex again :(
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
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