I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
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