I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
Randomize