Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
I have surprise drugs for everyone
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
