if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
she just took adderol and chased it w dog water
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
