my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
you had me at cake vodka
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
Also. I think I just got sentimental over a nude
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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