either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
walk of shamed to graduation. ending college with a bang....
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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