I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
Anthony wouldn't know good sex if it sat on his face
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
we've had our differences but let's set them aside, go home and fuck
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
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