it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
also. he gave me a foot massage during 69ing when i got a cramp. he's a winner.
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
Randomize
