woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
dude she was so drunk she thought Jim Joyce made the right call
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
I don't know what was up he just kept sitting in his chair smoking weed and watching home movies all night it was weird as fuck.
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
Well, I have no idea where my underwear is, so yea I would say it was a good weekend.
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Randomize
