If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
so I ended up banging her last night
dude I remember her. You sure it was a her?
i don't even remember
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
being pregnant is like rehab
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
He woke up from being passed out on the couch mumbled something that sounded like "Taco" then proceeded to the bathroom only to pass out again, I think we need to learn how to party like him!
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