I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
For the love of God you used a 40 foot extension cord to bungee jump out the off the 2 nd floor
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
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