I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
i've been thru my totinos phase. then after reading the ingredients and nutritional info i almost puked in my mouth. its like having the bastard child of pizza hut and mcdonalds invade your kitchen and start stabbing your digestive system.
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
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