Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
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