She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
Yeah. Fortunately, the road to Hell is paved with naked 21 year old girls.
Which beats the fuck out of good intentions.
it's kind of nice to have a picture of me making out with someone and actually know who it is for once
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
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