Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
Foreign porn with subtitles is a little disappointing.
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
you had her IN YOUR BED NO PANTS AND YOU GAVE HER THW BOOT?!?!?!
Stage five clinger bro. had to go.
Randomize
