Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
dude, showing up drunk to physics was the best idea ever. I just tripled my participation for the semester. I love st pattys day
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
The working title of my paper? "Tailgating: A Big Clusterfuck of Kids Who Dont Actually Give a Shit about Football"
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
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