The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
Yeah he's still asleep. I washed the blender out. He tried to make a ham-shake. Lets wait until after break to have that talk. I kind of want to see where this goes.
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
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