So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
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