I slayed a troll last night at BC guess i thought i was back in college
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
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