They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
Randomize
