Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
8:17pm: So, How was fun day?
1:15am: So I just woke up in my bed in my bathing suit... I don't remember getting into bed or dinner or anything after slip n slide that happened around five... I'd say fun day was a success
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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