he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
Randomize
