I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
I think i just fucked the same guy a second time without realizing it....does that make me a good whore or a bad whore???
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
New hot neighbor boys moving in across from us...So i did the logical thing and bought two 30 packs up the hill and walked right by em. Consider the line hooked and ready to reel.
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
my penis made a compromise with my morals
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